"An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at an assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper.

"One of the firefighters looked at the other. 'Not again.'"

--When Elves Attack by Tim Dorsey

"That's the whole point of Thanksgiving! Cooking way too much friggin' food, cramming the fridge with mountains of leftovers, and then the race is on against salmonella. The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it."

--When Elves Attack by Tim Dorsey

"Behind Coop, the floor rumbled. He allowed himself one quick glance over his shoulder. It was a terrible idea. While technically, knowing that you’re being pursued by a ravening horde is useful information, it isn’t all that helpful when you’re not sure you have a way out."

--The Wrong Dead Guy by Richard Kadrey

The Gazette has a historical section "Back Pages" where they report what was news. This segment ran in 1919.

"'Take out the lost ad, I've found my ring,' [a lady] requested yesterday. 'Good! Did the Gazette help you?' she was asked. 'Not unless my hens read the paper. [The ring] was in the craw of a chicken we killed for Sunday dinner.' Gazette lost ads usually get results. They offered a reward for the return of the jewel. But did the chicken get it?"

Yes, the chicken got it...with mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy....

“So, this is what it’s like to actually be doomed,” said Phil. “It was always very abstract before, but now that it’s here, you know what? It’s so much worse than I imagined. Do something, you ridiculous meat clown.”

--The Wrong Dead Guy by Richard Kadrey

"Froehlich strolled out the front door. He'd ruined just enough lives today to feel really good about the doomed direction he knew his had taken."

--The Wrong Dead Guy by Richard Kadrey

"When the Hollywood Golden reopened, the only people interested in its abandoned carnival ambiance were hookers and ghost hunters, along with a few lost souls hiding from jilted lovers and the police. Froehlich had once visited in the company of a hooker who always brought her pet Gila monster along in her purse. The lizard escaped the bag, crawled onto the bed, and bit Froehlich on a tender area at a particularly frantic moment.

"He'd had a soft spot in his heart for the Hollywood Golden ever since.

"Silence fell on the car like a skydiving rhinoceros that didn't realize until too late that without opposable thumbs it couldn't pull the rip cord."

--The Wrong Dead Guy by Richard Kadrey

"[There is an] error of thinking that, via evolution, nature strives for perfection. The reality, however, is to the contrary. What succeeds in nature is usually no more than the best available solution to an environmental challenge. And the best solution does not have to be anywhere near perfection. You can be the second-slowest member of your group and still avoid the predator."

--The Accidental Homo Sapiensby Tattersall and DeSalle

But what happens the next time you're chased by that lion?

...so it must be true.

The national animal of Scotland is the unicorn!  "The ideal it represents are what make it a perfect fit as the national animal of Scotland because, like this proud beast, Scots would fight to remain unconquered."