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Strange Looks

A new sporting goods store opened just south of Denver and my husband and I checked it out with some friends. Thankfully, my husband doesn't drag home dead animals and hang them in the garage. When he hunts and gathers, it usually involves pizza or fried chicken.

The store is really cool, though. I was checking out the crossbows when the (very handsome) clerk came over to help me. "Are you shopping for your husband?" he asked me. Apparently I do not look like someone who goes crossbow-hunting. (Hey! That’s profiling AND it’s discrimination against the mountain-climbing-crossbow-toting impaired!)

The crossbows were surprisingly heavy. I had trouble getting it back on its hanging mount. I can't imagine lugging it up a mountain to try and shoot something. Of course, with my luck and skill, I'd probably shoot my own foot. I chickened out before I asked him which bow and bolts he'd recommend for hunting vampires.

And talk about expensive! You can spend a lot of money on these things. The bolts and specialized heads could easily run you $50 a shot, and the crossbow itself was about $700. Then you have to consider your hospital bills, time lost from work, the future surgeries to repair your foot, the antibiotics to fight the flesh-eating bacteria.... It's cheaper to stay home and kill yourself with pizza and fried chicken. Even better, I won't have to wait for the National Guard to pluck me off a mountain.

I think I'll keep my hunting fictional, thank you very much. BTW, does it have to be a wooden bolt to kill a vampire? These new ones are made out of carbon fiber...but wood is mostly carbon...maybe I'll just kinda gloss over that. oh oh oh--maybe I'll have custom bolts with individualized fletching so we can tell who shot which bolt. That's cool.

And all of you clerks out there—stop your hating. Just because I don’t look like someone who can drag a dead mountain goat down a sheer 5000-foot cliff doesn’t mean that I don’t need a crossbow. Forget about the zombie apocalypse—I have vampire hunters to equip.

For research purposes only, of course.


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