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Near-Death Experiences

I’m teaching my teen daughter to drive. Luckily for me, she already knows EVERYTHING there is to know about EVERYTHING. Although she has only spent a few hours behind the wheel, I can teach her nothing.

She sees the red light and doesn’t need me to remind her to slow down. Stopping six inches from that car’s bumper gives us plenty of room. All right, so she thought she could make a left hand turn at a red light. Everyone makes mistakes.

I shouldn’t yell when she puts the car in park before coming to a stop or when she wants to make a U-turn across two lanes of oncoming traffic. And I definitely shouldn’t scream when we’re almost totaled by a monstrous green SUV in a parking lot. (I saw it Mom! Really! We didn’t die!)

And why should I get upset just because she thinks the car is in reverse and nearly runs over two people? (I didn’t kill anybody, Mom! Calm down!) Or when she drives so close to parked cars that I can see myself in their side mirrors? Or when she scrapes the black off my tires on the concrete curb? (I had plenty of room, Mom, stop being such a drama queen!)

She stops at green lights and in protected turn lanes and argues about giving pedestrians the right-of-way. (He was not in the crosswalk, Mom! That doesn’t mean you can run him over!)

Her sister refuses to take her driving and her father is too afraid. I’m popping blood pressure pills by the handful but I’m still afraid my head will explode. Does anyone know where I can score some ‘ludes? I heard that being relaxed on impact helps reduce your injuries.

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