I was googling "shower gifts for an ex" when I came across these (unattributed) quotes. They're not quite right for my sweet Christmas romance, but you might find them as funny as I did.
"I'm not saying I hate you but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."
"My heart has no room for you...but the trunk of my car definitely does."
"At night I stab your voodoo doll."
"Ever looked at your ex and wondered, was I drunk the entire relationship?"