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Life

Where a Kid Can Drive You Crazier

Yesterday I took my neighbor's very high-energy six-year-old grandson to Chuck E. Cheese because, obviously, I am insane. He loved it, of course, and wants to go back next week. I spent $30 and he won...a whistle. Yes, a whistle. (WHAT was Chuck E. thinking?) Imagine the shrill blowing of a stepped-on dog toy, double the decibels, and you have an inkling of how incredibly annoying the whistle was. At least I was able to take the kid home, toss him at his dear, sweet grandparents, and burn rubber out of there.

The Most Evil Thing I've Done (This Week)

I have to confess something. It's been niggling at my conscience but, sadly, I've been more secretly gleeful than openly remorseful. Perhaps it will help my better angels if I confess. Or, perhaps, I'm just a closet exhibitionist. You be the judge.

I poured a bowl of my son's Lucky Charms cereal, ate all the marshmallow lucky charms and--this is the really evil part--I poured the rest of the yucky cereal back in the box.I should feel bad about it, shouldn't I?

But I don't.

Warning: Politically Incorrect

Quoted from a Yahoo news story:

"Wisconsin bear hunters achieved a typically high success rate during a monthlong season that concluded last week, but experts are still trying to determine why a record number of hunting dogs were killed in the process. According to the Wisconsin State Journal, at least 40 dogs were preyed upon by wolves during a hunt that allowed the use of dogs to pursue and tree black bears."
 

"Purple Carrot" responded:
"No surprise there.  Black bear lives matter.

You Gotta Laugh

In the Sunday night presidential debate, Donald Trump called on Muslims "to report stuff" they see.  (I edited the political stuff out.)

Trump's response gave rise to a hashtag — #MuslimsReportStuff — in which Muslims jokingly pushed back against Trump's response.

One time I accidentally ate pancetta bc I didn't know it was bacon. It was delicious#MuslimsReportStuff

Creepy orange clowns sighted recently across the country. Some say they saw one pacing the debate stage tonight.

You Gotta Keep Laughing


Be Afraid


My daughter Meghan has been driving for six months now and, sadly, is still a terrifying force of destruction. Last week I was riding with her when she changed lanes in an intersection while making a left-hand turn. (I'm not making this up. How could I?) Her defense: "You haven't died yet!"

Does anyone have an army-surplus tank for sale? At least that way you could feel the rumble in the street when she approaches....

Drive defensively,

E-



There ARE Stupid Questions

We've all heard that "there is no stupid question." Well, Sunday's paper had a list of stupid questions they've received.

"Why do so many things taste like chicken?"

"We have all heard the expression 'Once in a blue moon.' What other colors does the moon come in?"

"I do not understand women. Would the study of quantum mechanics help?"

"How fast is the Earth revolving? If it ever suddenly stopped, how far would a two-hundred-pound man fly?

Bananas!

I had my neighbor's five-year-old grandson in the car and, for reasons that only a five-year-old would understand, he chanted "Bananas!" about five hundred times during a fifteen-minute car ride. I thought it was funny. My son morphed from a grumpy teenager to a grumpier old man and started threatening suicide. I tried to teach the Little a "Knock Knock" joke but couldn't get him to say "Who's there?" After five minutes or so, my son was threatening to jump out of the car.

Horrible Headlines

I'm starting to fear what I'll read in the paper and hear on the news. These are actual stories, and proof that life is stranger than fiction

"Bear Chases Man in his California Home." Does California have a "Make My Day" law like we do here in Colorado? The bear was obviously just defending himself and his family.

"Study Finds Horrifying Link Between Scented Candles and Health Problems." I'm not making this up, people. Next they'll discover that the quilting on our toilet paper will kill us, too.

Road Rage

Today's paper had an article about the increase in road rage incidents. I'm sure that's not a surprise to anyone who's ever driven anywhere. People be crazy out there.

Here in Colorado Springs four middle-aged women (!), defying demographics and statistics, were involved in two road incidents over this past weekend. One of the women pulled a gun! Shocking!

I wonder if she'll have to step down as president of the PTO and bake-sale chair, or if she can still run them from jail. She certainly can't continue as car-pool coordinator and soccer-team driver, and the Girl Scouts will no longer let her be Cookie Mom.
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