The Headline:

"Hospital Named After Sandwiches Kill Five."

I can't make this stuff up, people.

Headline: "Four of five stolen puppies recovered, two arrested."

Fox 29 Philly, May 30, 2019

"Trap Kills Man who Rigged it to Protect His Home."

I gotta think that this guy didn't do a lot of entertaining.

"Moments ago, Brookhaven Police answered the call each of us fears most. Dozen of donuts fell from a Krispy Kreme truck. BPD rushed to the scene, but found total carnage. The first police on the scene tried to rescue surviving donuts, but it was too late. The response time was stellar, but they couldn't beat the 5 second rule. The donuts were a total loss. The senseless loss of these delicious pastries has deeply affected all the BPD. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers."

And this headline today: Doctor Saves Traveler's Life by Sucking Urine from Man's Bladder During Mid-Flight Emergency. 

     Wow. Just...wow. 

"A Florida dog put a car into reverse and drove it in circles for nearly an hour."

CNN Today

This is the actual headline--"Marketing Opioids Like Doritos."

Happily, we do not need to get a prescription for our favorite snack food (addictive as it may be) which was my horrified first thought. This was a serious article that quoted a pharmaceutical sales rep as saying, "[Opioid painkillers are] just like Doritos. Keep eating. We'll make more." Which is very, very sad.

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The headline: "A Pennsylvania man trying to scare opossums away from his yard accidentally set fire to his house..."

and how did that work out for him?

"...causing $50,000 worth of damage, investigators said. The house was condemned."

Where is Billy the Exterminator when you need him?

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Someone proposed today that United change their slogan to "You carry on, we carry off."

With all the drama over a passenger being dragged off an airplane, this was probably inevitable.

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